Our Loss

It is with great sadness that we have to write this post. Two weeks ago we learned that we had suffered a miscarriage. Because I would be turning 35 before the delivery we were in a special category that allowed us early sonograms. With my "advanced maternal age" there were certain measurements they wanted to check. Our first sonogram was April 20. There was no indication that anything was wrong but the bones they had hoped to measure were not large enough yet so they scheduled us to come back a week later. If you have ever had a sonogram you know that when they measure certain aspects of the fetus an estimated gestational age pops up on the bottom. The second week, that measurement was exactly the same as it had been for our first visit. 11 weeks, 1 day. While the doctor didn't say anything at first, he was pushing a lot of buttons and trying to look at the baby from different angles. I knew right away there was a problem because I couldn't see a heartbeat. He finally said, "I'm sorry..." It was the worst sentence ever. After his words of sympathy, he left the room to go call our OB to determine what we were to do next. When he left the room I lost it. Due to a little stomach flu we had Abby with us. Christopher stepped over to me and after a second Abby reached out to hug me and kissed my lips. This was the first time she had done that of her own accord and truly something I will never forget.
Christopher's parents were out of town so luckily we were able to find some friends to come and stay with the kids while we went to meet with our doctor. Boy, there is nothing worse than walking into an OB's office in that situation. They quickly ushered us to the back where it was determined we would have a D&C two days following. Thankfully, my mom was able to fly down first thing the next morning. She was here to stay with the kids but was also willing to be our messenger. As we had just started sharing the good news with people, we didn't really want to go have to face them all again. We are so thankful that she was able to come and do that. Aside from that, I was also just thankful for her company. As Dr. Shipman says, "There is just no better medicine than a mom."
So, where are we now? Well, still hurting, but I think we get better each day. We sat the boys down that first night and explained to them that mommy was no longer going to have a baby. They seemed most upset because we were upset in talking to them. Benjamin didn't say much. Noah asked a lot of questions that hinted at the fact that he really didn't understand what we were saying until we explained that the baby was now in heaven with Grandma Dorothy. He still asks on occasion why our baby died (sometimes really loudly in the middle of Target - sorry, complete strangers!). We are doing our best to answer his questions but it is not all that easy when we don't understand ourselves. I can finally close my eyes now without seeing that final sonogram, which means I can sleep now. That is definitely a good thing. All the doctors were very quick to tell us that none of this was our/my fault, that we had done nothing wrong; that statistically this just happens sometimes. We understand that they were trying to be comforting and maybe in some way it was, but mostly it was just numbers. We both have struggled with feelings of guilt - What did we do? Have we not proved ourselves good parents? Was it that ibuprofen I took before I knew I was pregnant? Did we not pray hard enough for the new baby? A friend asked if we were angry. I don't think either of us ever felt any anger towards God - just a lot of confusion and guilt that we were somehow to blame. The guilt is starting to subside but I don't know if the confusion ever will.
We have received a number of condolences and have had a lot of contact from people that have also experienced a miscarriage: our minister, our OB, the nurse that cared for us after our procedure, and several friends. My mom asked if it helped when people shared that information. The answer is yes. And, no. It is, of course, comforting to know that we are not the only ones to have been here. On the flip side of that, it is scary to learn just how common miscarriages really are. We were so naive in believing that because we had been through it three times already without a hitch that we were free and clear. We were unaware of just how fragile our little gift was and maybe didn't fully appreciate how truly blessed we are to have the three perfect, beautiful children that we do have. While we are not really sure what our future holds at this point, we know it is going to be a continual process of getting past certain dates. As you have seen in our last several posts, I was all about planning what life would be like. Instead we have to try to get past these dates. Our suffering will be in the little things: remembering that the new dress I need for a wedding this summer will no longer be a maternity dress; picking out Halloween costumes for three kids; attending the Christmas at Resurrection program; etc. We will be celebrating each of these events with our three beautiful children and you can be sure we will be hugging them a little harder and kissing them a little more.